If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
