He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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