Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I am available for nakedness
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
