So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I need to calm my uterus...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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