last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
