so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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