finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
