He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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