what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
