apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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