you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
NoShamevember. You game?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
