I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
