Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
