he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
