oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
