I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
