Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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