I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
