hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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