girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
