i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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