hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
