bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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