Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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