sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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