My liver just broke up with me...
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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