hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
