chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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