I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
