I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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