guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
