Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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