I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
