i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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