Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
