I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
