Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize