babies were throwing up all over the place
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
