Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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