I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
