Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
