I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
