I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
