you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
