Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
