Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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