Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
