woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
