just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
