oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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