You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
