Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
