Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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