I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
