Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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