When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
