Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
