I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
