I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
