If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
