just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
