and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
