I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
