you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
All I want is dick and wine.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
