Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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