I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Randomize
