Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
