Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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